Building Rapport: The Art of Alignment
More than simply good communication, building rapport is about cultivating your most important business relationships
Building rapport is an extremely valuable interpersonal skill. In fact, as rapport tends to be a key feature of our closest relationships, you might call it the ultimate interpersonal skill.
Many articles on building rapport rightly focus on the need for effective communication, but there is another vital ingredient. To cultivate your most important business relationships with colleagues, customers and stakeholders, you need to think strategically.
What is Rapport?
The basic definition of rapport as a ‘harmonious relationship’ doesn’t do it justice. When we experience rapport, it can feel like a superior level of connection between two people. We use many phrases to describe this feeling, such as ‘a meeting of minds’, ‘seeing eye to eye’ or feeling ‘in sync’ with one another. All of these tend to boil down to two key elements: an alignment of interests and personality.
Alignment of interests is when two or more people share a common objective. For example, working towards the same goal within a team, or forming a joint venture with another organisation. Whatever the situation, everyone involved can achieve the same objective. If only one person can achieve it, the resulting competition may hinder rapport.
Alignment of personality can be harder to pin down as it covers so many aspects of psychology. Generally speaking, it means two or more people tend to see the world in a similar manner and have a similar approach to tasks. They like similar things and have a complementary way of getting things done.
That said, bear in mind that rapport comes in many forms. Two people in a seemingly heated argument may actually be very closely aligned. They may share a love of passionate debate (alignment of personality) and wish to arrive at clear conclusions about life (alignment of interests).
Even opponents have been known to develop a strong rapport. While they may not share a common objective (alignment of interests), they may share a strong belief in how it should be achieved (alignment of personality).
Building Rapport
Rapport can occur naturally, and we usually sense it when it happens. We experience a sudden realisation that we get on unusually well with someone, coupled with a strong desire to continue the association.
Natural rapport is the purest form, but it can also be built proactively. All it takes is a little conscious effort to make a particular relationship the best it can be.
The way to build rapport flows directly from the experience we described above. You must combine your interpersonal and strategic capabilities to build an alignment of interests and personality that encourages strong human connections.
Listen and Look
Active listening and an understanding of how to use questions are two essential skills for building rapport. Careful use of questions will help you understand a person’s objectives, and active listening will help you gather valuable insights from their answers.
Observation is equally important for building rapport. As you talk with the person, observe their personality so you can align yourself as much as possible. For example:
- What is their energy? Do they come across as calm and relaxed, or quite energetic?
- What is their outlook? Are they positive and optimistic, or more neutral?
- What is their conversational style? Do they enjoy exploratory discussion, or simply prefer to exchange knowledge.
Naturally, don’t take your conscious alignment too far or it might come across as mimicking. You simply want to create an overall alignment that steadily strengthens the relationship. Taken too far, a person might see you as insincere or, in the worst case, that you are ridiculing them.
Gently Does It
Another element to consider is the human tendency to adjust our behaviour depending on who we are with.
When we meet people for the first time, we tend to be more reserved and reveal less about ourselves and our intentions. Even when we know people well, we behave differently depending on whether we are with friends, family members or colleagues. That means building rapport can take time.
For example, you might not discover someone’s true objective until the third or fourth time you meet them. Equally, you might realise that someone has a completely different personality once you get to know them better.
This is another good reason not to be too forceful when building rapport. You want to align yourself to a person’s true objectives and personality, rather than their safety versions when in the presence of new acquaintances.
This principle also applies to how much you reveal about yourself. From time to time, we meet people who seem willing to bare their souls straight away. While it can be refreshing in certain situations, it can also make people feel uncomfortable. If you appear willing to share far more than your conversational partner, then it creates a relationship imbalance that can weaken rapport.
Principles of Effective Communication
Supporting a strategic approach to rapport are all the traditional elements of being a good communicator.
Actively listen to people, not only to understand more about them but also to make them feel listened to. This is perhaps the most important element of any good relationship. Being with someone who simply broadcasts all the time can quickly become irritating and exhausting.
Observing someone’s body language enables you to gently mirror it to improve the connection. Remember that most communication occurs unconsciously without words. The way someone sits, stands and moves often says a great deal more about who they are and what they want.
The right amount of eye contact is also essential. Enough to build the connection, but not too much or people may feel uncomfortable.
Other than that, enjoy yourself! Most people relish being around those who bring joy. In fact, this simple alignment of interests may be all it takes to build a long-lasting rapport.
