What is Assertiveness?
It’s not about being nasty – It’s more about becoming a little less nice in a calculated sort of way!
When it Comes Down to it What is Assertiveness Realy All About?
We’ve been running assertiveness courses for over twenty years, only we didn’t use to call it assertiveness training. We called it The Nice Factor, about being too nice for your own good.
That’s because way back then, assertiveness training courses had a bit of a bad reputation. It was all about standing up for yourself, being a broken record saying the same thing over and over and our favourite, “Just say no.”
As we heard many times in our courses, “If I could just say no then I’d say it. But I can’t.”
You Can’t Change Who You Are
And that’s what separates our Assertiveness training from so many others. We don’t ask
people to fundamentally change who they are; indeed we don’t ask people to change much of anything. Yet we still get results.
So what is assertiveness? We think that you have to work with what people already do, using the natural bent of their personalities. You don’t have to take people out of their comfort zones; you have to make their comfort zones bigger.
It’s really tough when you’re unassertive. People consciously or unconsciously take advantage,
and you often feel hard done by, and you feel you have no options but to keep behaving as you always have. “It’s just the way I am,” people will say as the reason for their unassertive behaviour. The causes can often be linked to the various psychological barriers to communication that can impede our ability to contribute and collaborate effectively with others.
Adaptive Behaviour
We all adapt our behaviour in certain situations. Unassertive people adapt their behaviour more than most: they say yes when they want to say no; they give in under even the mildest of pressure, they act as though everything is fine on the outside while seething on the inside. All of this leads to a build-up of pressure and often the slightest distress will send them over the edge so they explode outwardly or implode inwardly.
See – it’s not fun being unassertive.
On the flip side, our experience over the years has shown that unassertive people are often
considerate, attentive, respectful, intelligent and really nice in the best sense of the word. They
know what’s happening to them but they don’t feel able to change it.
Try These – Assertiveness Top Five Tips
The key to really good Assertiveness Training is to take those extreme behaviours (getting
taken advantage of, giving in, etc. VS. being thoughtful, caring, etc.) and make them work
for you.
What is Assertiveness?
Here’s an example.
Let’s say you’re someone who says “I’m sorry” a lot. People who apologise a lot generally are
pushovers; other people sense those weak points and pounce so they can get their own way. That’s why you end up staying late, doing the extra school run, and changing your plans to suit someone else’s agenda.
Instead of trying to find the courage to just say no and stand your ground, we’d recommend
doing more of what you already do: apologise. But this time, we’d suggest over-apologising. “I
really wish I could stay late. I’m so sorry I won’t be able to tonight. What a shame you didn’t let
me know earlier. I’m really so sorry.”
At no time have you presented yourself as difficult, obstructive or unwilling. You’re still
being your lovely self, only this time through over-apologising, you haven’t given in.
It might feel quite odd at the beginning; odd but not necessarily bad. This is what we mean
about making your comfort zone bigger. You’re doing something you already know how to do – you don’t have to learn a new skill – you’re simply turning up the volume, as it were, on behaviour that’s familiar.
We also recommend that you practise as much as possible so that this new way of behaving becomes second nature. When you ‘revert to type’ as you inevitably will do, you have a new ‘type’ to ‘revert’ to.
This is just one simple exercise that shows the benefits of being assertive. A simple small change in your behaviour in order to achieve a different outcome rather than asking you to take on a whole new personality.
On our Assertiveness Training Courses, we have numerous uncomplicated processes like that one to build confidence, make life easier, help you feel more in charge of what happens to you and support who you are.
What is Assertiveness?
Find our next One or Two-Day Assertiveness Training Courses – these open courses explore issues around assertiveness and are designed to help people recognise the patterns of thought and behaviour they have acquired that leave them feeling disempowered.
By Jo Ellen
Read More About Assertiveness The Nice Factor
Assertiveness: Why it’s Hard to Just Say No
