Not Nice or Nasty – The Art of Saying No

Splitting the difference with assertiveness skills. You don’t have to be nasty, just a little less nice will do it!

Not Nice or Nasty – Splitting the Difference with Assertiveness Skills

Assertiveness training continues to be one of our most popular Open Courses and it’s really no
wonder. Feeling unassertive and behaving accordingly blights people’s lives.

Last year I wrote a blog about being too nice for your own good.

This blog is going to concentrate on assertive communication.

Or as I said in the Independent article a few years ago, I had to learn to be a little bit nasty in order to be a nicer person.

Not Nice or Nasty

Oh, oh, I can hear some of you saying, I don’t want to become nasty!

Of course not in the usual way we think of being nasty.

The problem is that people who are too nice attract people and situations that take advantage of their good nature.

What often happens is that resentments get stored up and build over time so that there is an
inevitable explosion – either internally, turning your anger against yourself; or externally,
spewing your accumulated rage all over an innocent bystander or directed at the right person for the wrong reason.

Now that’s really being nasty.

Just a Little Bit Nasty

The little bit nasty I’m talking about is a way of toughening yourself up so you aren’t so
much of a sitting duck.

That’s why I want to talk about The Art of Saying No because there is an art to telling
someone that you either can’t or won’t do something they want you to.

People make decisions in a nano-second about who might or might not be cooperative. You do it too – we all do it. We need something doing and we go through the list in our heads and chuck out the ones who will be more trouble than it’s worth and make a short-list of those who we figure might be more willing.

The nicer and more unassertive you are, the more you end up at the top of other people’s
short lists. They know you’ll find it hard to refuse or they choose to ignore any protest you may
offer.

So how to toughen up without losing your essential niceness? Here are a couple of very simple
things to try.

Be well prepared. One problem that unassertiveness people have is that they think of what to say after the fact – that’s when they have long conversations in their heads about what they could have said.

My advice is to have a few excuses up your sleeve:

“I’m so sorry, I’d love to help but I’ve already committed that time to_______.”
“Oh dear, I can’t talk now as I have a deadline that was just given to me.”
“What a shame you didn’t contact me earlier but I’ve already promised my time to ____.”
“Good heavens, is that the time? I have to run; let’s talk tomorrow.”

These are all designed to accomplish three things:

1 You’re Not Nasty

You aren’t ever really nasty as you are using nice language as a way to say no. If you notice, I never once suggest you even use the word no.

2 Buying Time

You buy time and get yourself off the hook, while still appearing cooperative.

3 Limited Availability

You begin to look like a person who isn’t always available at the drop of a hat just because someone wants you to be.

Wipe that smile off your face! That sounds a bit harsh doesn’t it? Yet smiling on the outside
when feeling unhappy on the inside gives out mixed messages. Unassertive people smile a lot,
especially when they are saying something they think the other person won’t want to hear.

Practice this one in front of the mirror.

First say,

“I’m sorry, I won’t be able to help you with that”

with a smile on your face.

This is where you should be able to see the mixed message a smile and saying ‘no’ gives out.

Next, say the same thing without a smile.

You don’t have to look grumpy! Just turn down the volume on your smile and see what happens when you look at yourself in the mirror. Just one benefit of being a little bit assertive.

If someone really wants to rope you into doing something they can happily take your smile as a
signal to keep pushing – that you really, deep down want to help.

These and many other simple techniques that we use in our Assertiveness Skills courses are designed to be easy and doable so that you really don’t have to put yourself through the wringer to become less nice.

The Art of Saying No can have a very positive impact on your life.

Check out Impact Factory’s range of

Assertiveness Skills Training Courses