Assertive Anger Management Techniques

How to Use Assertive Anger Management Techniques

The way we communicate or the style we use to communicate is often learned from much earlier experiences in our lives when our language skills were newly formed.

Most of us tend to communicate in a way that was adaptive to the environment we grew up in, but problematic in our lives today.

Unexpressed Emotion

For many of us, our style of communication can leave us with unmet needs, unexpressed emotion, and damaging effects on those around us.

Our client, Aaron, told us that in his family they typically yell at one another to get the point across.

Aaron recently got into a relationship with a woman who told him that his anger scares her when he gets upset.

Aaron’s reply was that he was not upset, this was just the way I am used to expressing myself when I get upset, and this is normal assertive behaviour for me.

Normal Communication

The reality is that what might be normal for you and your family of origin may not be the norm in terms of communicating effectively with others. In fact, mostly, miscommunication is normal.

Aaron’s natural way of communicating is aggressive, but he doesn’t realise the impact it has on his girlfriend.

Aaron has had to learn about his style of communication as well as other styles of communication to understand the kind of changes he needed to make.

Being More Assertive

By learning to become more assertive, Aaron felt better, his needs got met more of the time, and his girlfriend no longer feared him when he did get upset.

The way we communicate or the style we use to communicate is often learned from much earlier experiences in our lives when our language skills were newly formed.

Think about your family’s style of communication for a moment.

Is your style similar to any of theirs?

Communication Style

Most of us tend to communicate in a way that was adaptive to the environment in which we grew up, yet problematic in our lives today. Most notably, we may suffer from one or more of the psychological barriers to communication that can affect our relationships with colleagues, family members, and friends.

For many of us, our style of communication can leave us with unmet needs, unexpressed emotions, and damaging effects on those around us.

It is important to understand that there are many different communication styles, yet only one tends to yield the results we are seeking.

Expressing Feelings

Learning to express your primary feelings and needs, clearly, calmly, and with good eye contact is what assertive communication is all about.

Good communication skills are an essential ingredient to anger management because poor communication causes untold emotional hurt, misunderstandings, and conflict.

Words are powerful, but the message we convey to others is even more powerful and often determines how people respond to us and how we feel toward them.

Learning just a few simple communication techniques can lead to your reaping the benefits of being assertive.

Communication is a Two-Way Process

Because communication is a two-way process, people with good communication skills are good at receiving messages from others as well as delivering them.

If you look at people in your life and we also look at your own behaviour, you may discover certain patterns of communication.

Some patterns are negative and harmful while others are positive and productive.

Frequently persons who have anger management problems use harmful ways of communicating with others. Harmful in the sense that it disrupts relationships and usually does not accomplish the goals that you intended.

Assertive communication, on the other hand, is a much more effective way to get what you want and what you need without negative consequences.

In short, the development of assertive communication skills will work for you by making you a more effective and less stressed person.

What is Assertive Communication?

It is a way to communicate so that you convey your rights in a good way.

Assertive communication helps people clearly explain their wants, needs, and feelings to other people.

It is a way of getting things that you want without violating or offending others’ rights or having to walk away without getting what you want.

Assertive people tell others what they want and need clearly. They have a knack for saying the correct thing at the correct time.

Assertive communication skills are the antidote to harmful, destructive communication patterns.

This article was contributed by Ari Novick

Assertive Anger Management

Find our next One or Two-Day Assertiveness Training Course – these open courses explore issues around assertiveness and are designed to help people recognise the patterns of thought and behaviour they have acquired that leave them feeling disempowered.