Aggressive Passive or Assertive?
If your words say one thing and your body language says another, people will remember and believe the non-verbal clues.
You Have Three Choices – Aggressive Passive or Assertive
Assertiveness is a method of communication that lets others know your ideas and feelings while respecting their feelings as well.
A person behaving aggressively states their feelings directly, but they violate the rights of others.
Aggressive Passive or Assertive
Declining a Request
For example, suppose a neighbour asks you to babysit her four children and you don’t want to.
Aggressive Response
An aggressive response would be to say,
“No, I won’t babysit.
You just drop the kids off and don’t come back when you say you will and so I end up cancelling my plans.
And besides your kids are brats and don’t know how to be quiet when my shows are on.”
Hurt Feelings
While all of this may be true, your aggressive response may anger your neighbour or hurt her feelings.
Aggressive behaviour often produces the desired outcome at least for the moment.
Releasing feelings of anger or frustration can sometimes give a person a sense of control over the situation.
If, however, a person continually ignores the feelings of others, they may find themselves alone and un-liked.
Assertive Response
An Assertive answer would be honest and direct, but not disrespectful. Just say no and give clear information as to why, and outline any needs you would have in order to say yes at another time.
One such direct response might be,
“No, I’m sorry I can’t babysit today.
If you need me to help you out in the future, I need to have at least a few days notice so I can fit it into my schedule.
I would also need you to work with me to reinforce the rules of my house with the children.”
Expressed Needs
Assertiveness allows individuals to feel good about having expressed their needs, thoughts, or feelings and about making their own choices.
Assertive behaviour also produces desired results more often.
This Assertiveness skill takes practice.
By expressing yourself in ways that don’t put down or offend others.
You are more likely to make your point.
Likewise, making your feeling known, instead of keeping them hidden, lets others know where they stand.
Assertive vs Passive
When you respond passively, you avoid immediate conflict, but you may be upset and resentful because you haven’t expressed your true feelings.
Passive Response
A passive response would be to cancel your own plans and take care of the kids.
Just because you give in to someone else doesn’t always mean you’ve not been assertive.
It could mean you’ve made a conscious choice in yielding.
Or, it could be because you honestly agree with the other person.
Being Passive
Being passive refers to consistently doing things you don’t want to do.
How good are you at communicating your needs?
Do you let people know how you’re feeling?
Or do you expect them to get that information from reading your mind?
Give Congruent Messages
If your words say one thing and your body language says another, people will remember and believe the non-verbal clues.
Verbal language is the language of information.
Non-verbal language is the language of relationships.
Listen to – David Mitchel Talking to Jo Ellen Grzyb about Assertiveness
Read – Benefits of Being Assertive
This article was contributed by Judy H. Wright, Parent Educator and Family Coach
Aggressive Passive or Assertive?
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